Fears and Resolutions
Happy New Year, and Welcome to 2018! You've no doubt compiled a list of personal "New Year, New Me" resolutions as have I. However, I've found that if I want to be successful past February, I need a targeted approach to resolution creation and execution. When I failed at a New Year's resolution in the past, I noted it was due to the fact of I had too many resolutions! I would overwhelm myself and give up. I would resolve to lose weight, let go of negative people, start a new hobby, travel more, and/or eat better.
This year I changed my approach. I dug a little deeper and discovered most of the items on my list were symptoms of a much larger problem. I ultimately was not dealing with fear and anxiety.
Fear by definition is an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. Inside of me, a battle of fear has existed from an early age. Whenever I attempted to do things that brought me joy, fear would rear its ugly head.
I remember my freshman year of college. I was alone for the first time in my life, and I was afraid of everything. Nobody around me ever knew just how debilitating my fear had become. I struggled in class, I refused to make friends, and I started to get sick. Fear morphed into anxiety and anxiety morphed into physical illness. By junior year, I came to a place of contentment when I found peace within myself. I met my now husband, graduated college, and began employment in what is possibly the worst career choice I could have made. I was a social worker for the Department of Social Services.
Needless to say, the peace I once possessed was shattered by the stress of attempting to assist children and families during vulnerable and dangerous moments in their lives. All the while, I suffered personal loss as my sister passed away, and I didn't allow myself to mourn properly. I took one week of leave and walked back into the madness. Tucking the loss and pain away, I moved on with life while my husband and I welcomed our first child, Miles. He was born prematurely due to a condition called Preeclampsia. Due to my high blood pressure, I needed to stay in the hospital for five days. The physical ramifications of fear reentered, and I left the career I once loved and decided to stay home with our son for one year.
Fast forward to 2014, I was still at home and now a little girl joined our family! I loved being a mother, and I relished in the sense of purpose it gave me. However, at the same time, I received criticism and scornful reproach from the ones I thought I could trust. A fear of rejection developed, and I fell back into a pattern of fear and anxiety. My authentic-self was not welcomed in the social circles I navigated...I closed myself off and hid. I hid with my children and my spouse in our tiny house in the "country." The world that I knew was not a safe place to be vulnerable.
As a woman of faith, I prayed. I attended church, and I started to sing. But something never felt quite right. There was still this pressure to conform and be a good "Christian." However, there was an inner voice that wouldn't let me settle in any role I attempted to fill. There was an instinctual pull that challenged my thoughts and dreams. I prayed more fervently and began to feel something was on the horizon. My something happened in July 2014.
A video I posted on YouTube went viral. It was a sweet moment between my daughter and myself. From that video, I found an outlet while my creative energy began to flow. I worked with a couple of management companies for a short time, and I was advised to keep posting on YouTube. Our channel began to grow but so did the underlying fears.
It has been a journey without end. Therefore, my New Year's resolution for 2018 is to be courageous and do not be afraid.
I've said yes to the universe and all the good it desires to bring.
Yes, to checking my fear of rejection at the door.
Yes, to allowing myself to embrace wisdom, intelligence, and vulnerability.
Yes, to forgiving myself for failures and forgiving others.
Yes, to being great and going for my dreams.
Yes, to being a loving mother and wife.
Yes, to God and to myself.